Near the end of when my partner was writing her diss a couple years ago, she had a particularly bad day. It was a day where she was so sick and tired of writing the damn thing that she could hardly get out of bed and when she did, she could hardly get off the couch. During those last few days of her major writing, it was visibly harder and harder for her to just get motivated to kill it off.
I remember this time pretty vividly. I remember wishing she could find the strength to power-through, because I knew she'd feel so much better once it was done. But, I also remember knowing that I couldn't make that happen and I just didn't know how best to take care of and help her through those days. Finally, I remember thinking that I was pretty sure I understood what she must have been feeling.
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha - oh silly me who was not writing and had not yet written a dissertation.
I am now to that point in my work. If I could just push through like 20 more pages - I'll be done! Yes, 20, 2-0, TWENTY! I used to write that in an evening when I was taking classes! But now it feels like when you were in high school and you were assigned your first 10 page paper, that was the entire semester's project, and felt like the scariest thing in the world. After all, who can actually write 10 pages about the same thing!
I have now written somewhere around 180 pages on the same topic. I do recognize that yes, I would feel better if I could just get it done. I also recognize that my partner is now doing her best to take care of and motivate me (especially when I got to suffer through my first panic attack the other day - woo hoo!). But, I am also finding it hard to locate that motivation. Everything...and I do mean EVERYTHING seems so much more interesting and fun than writing about the damn L Word, Internet, fandom, or whatever the frick else I'm inanely talking about.
So, I now also recall fondly how my good friend MG described this feeling to my girl during her cirisis time, in hopes of consoling and commiserating with her. She said that it's like you've been in this tunnel for months, it's a super long and dark tunnel, and you can finally- finally-see the light at the end. You're so close, but also so so tired. So, rather than run to the end, you'd rather lie on the florr of it and shout "C'mon! Dammit, Tunnel - Just f*%!kin' end already!!!" Hoping you might just be able to will it into happening.
I know it won't. ...Sadly...So, I guess I just best get back to writing.
So, to all my friends also currently writing - I'm right there with you and we CAN do it!
To all my friends who will take on this mess soon - good luck, you CAN do it!
And, to all my friends who have already completed this process - thanks for the advice, but you suck! (hee hee hee).
Love ya' all!